WHO DO YOU THINK THIS IS????

                  WHO DO YOU THINK THIS IS??????

THE NEW JOAN RIVERS BOOK---PRE-ORDER NOW ON AMAZON

THE BOOK COMES OUT NOV. 15 HARDCOVER, KINDLE, WHATEVER

THIS IS THE ONLY CORRECT BOOK THAT WILL BE DONE ON JOAN BY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A FAMILY MEMBER. 

IT IS WRITTEN BY VANITY FAIR'S FABULOUS LESLIE BENNETTS.

I was honored to have spent hours and hours with Leslie on the phone and in person to talk in great depth about my blessed friendship and adventures of almost 40 years with my beloved Joan. I am very flattered that she used my suggested title--LAST GIRL BEFORE FREEWAY. I explained to Leslie that that the line was in Joan's first act where she commented, in her self-deprecating way, that she was so unattractive that her mother put that sign up in front of her house in order to gt her married off. While, funny, it represented how Joan really felt about herself her whole life.

Leslie did tons of research and interviews for this book. Her work led to her even more respect, awe, and compassion for this extraordinary, irreplaceable force of nature who changed history for women and the entertainment industry.

I'm writing about Joan, too, in my own book about my many celebrity friendships, but it is only as she pertains to me, not the rest of the world. Leslie's book, is the comprehensive, total, look at Joan's life.

And am I still brought to tears about Joan? Constantly. There is no such thing as closure. You just live your life, knowing that it's just not as bright as it once was. You put one foot in front of the other and just go in gratitude.

READ THIS BOOK.

ALICIA KEYS---PLEASE GO BACK TO WEARING MAKE-UP

I GET THAT SHE'S SENDING A POSITIVE MESSAGE TO YOUNG GIRLS THAT'S VERY NICE. BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. MESSAGE RECEIVED. NOW QUIT IT!

OR

C'mon now................................

THE LAST MATCH.COM MESSAGE EVER

THE LAST MATCH.COM MESSAGE I RECEIVED BEFORE CANCELING


I have no teeth and I'm really fat other than that I'm quite a looker.

I love to take the one of my choice to the produce aisle at Ralph's and squeeze every cantaloupe I could fine and went to manager's not looking pop grapes into my mouth.

If this sounds like you're kind of fun date I'm available!

THE MIS-ADVENTURES OF MIS-MATCHED MATCH.COM

OKAY, I FINALLY JUST HAD TO SEE WHAT MATCH.COM WAS REALLY LIKE.
FRIENDS OF MINE TOLD ME IT WORKED FOR THEM. HMMMMM.

THE TITLE OF MY PROFILE WAS---
DAUGHTER OF MOB LAWYER AND SHOW GIRL.

(For my favorite book I wrote that I couldn't decide between "Valley of the Dolls" or "Ulysses.")

The first guy had a very atttractive picture. He lived in a desert country club. He had a foreign name, and I thought that might me interesting. In our one and only phone conversation, I found out he was a Romanian paper-hanger/handyman, and he pitched me a deal to redesign my house.

The second guy sounded bright and funny on the phone. He got my jokes. We met at a local deli and started talking in general terms. I asked him what restaurants he liked in the area.
"Whatever Groupon sends me," was his answer. CHECK, PLEASE!

The third guy was another desert country club dweller. He also had a nice picture and was very involved with golf. As we chatted on the phone, there was a just barely perceptible tone  of "There, there Little Lady" in his voice as he tried "educate me" about Match, and warn me that if I "really wanted a good guy, I'd have to work fast because people like him get taken quickly." I pretended to be grateful for his sage advice, and then suggested he read my blog to get to know me better. (I know; I know). He asked me to meet him for lunch at a high-end restaurant. I accepted and then waited. It took about four hours before I heard from him.
"I just read your blog. I don't like your life. I'm cancelling the lunch." 

And I'm cancelling Match.

 

WOODY ALLEN'S CRISES IN SIX SCENES------BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTE TORTURE TO WATCH, OR PERHAPS MORE APT, TO HEAR. THE CHATTERING, INANE, NON-STOP DIALOGUE SAID BY WOODY ALLEN JUST VOMITS INTO YOUR SPACE. IT IS SHOCKINGLY BAD AND NARCISSISTIC ON ALLEN'S PART.

AM I HOLDING THE FACT THAT I THINK WOODY ALLEN IS A PEDOPHILE AGAINST THIS PROJECT? NO. I REALLY LIKE MOST OF HIS MOVIES. I CAN SEPARATE WHAT I THINK OF HIM AS A NON-HUMAN BEING.

Elaine May

Elaine May is one of the greatest comic geniuses since the beginning of time. To be able to see her work, even in this pretentious, sloppy, annoying debacle, is a true gift. It IS difficult to mute Woody and unmute Elaine, but it can be done. I love and respect her.

But I said the show was torture. Here's what it feels like to watch---

A Sampling of Official Torture Techniques found on government websites:

• Chinese Water Torture
• Kneecapping
• Oxygen deprivation
• Scalping
• Castration
• Flaying

Well.....you have the idea.


 

 

LA COLISEUM MAJOR SECURITY CHANGES---THANK YOU LAPD!!!!!

USC NIGHT GAMES CAN BE TERRIFYING AT THE COLISEUM...WELL..NOT ANY MORE.







I AM VERY HAPPY TO SAY THAT SECURITY INSIDE THE COLISEUM HAS REALLY BEEN BEEFED UP. There were at least 20 gun-carrying police officers stationed all around the perimeter of the field. That made my friends and me very comfortable. I also happen to know that the FBI has undercover agents in the Coliseum, too. Now that USC has taken over control of the Coliseum, the changes are really being seen.

Yes, I know Chief Bratton has retired, but I like the photo.

Most importantly, the VIP donor parking lot at the Coliseum HAS NO LIGHTS. During a night game, you used to take your life in your hands if you left early and tried to find your car.

That is no longer the case.

 This is what you see as you walk to your car. Police cars with flashing lights are patrolling every parking aisle, round and round. They will even follow you if you ask, but there are so many of them you are never in the dark.

THANK YOU L.A.P. D. FOR CONSTANTLY RISKING YOUR LIVES TO KEEP US SAFE.
I was also grateful that I had a chance to thank you many of them in person last night.