THE OSCAR MEMO--REVISED

TO: NEIL MARON AND CRAIG ZADAN (PRODUCERS)--YOU ADDED LIFE, MUSIC, AND GORGEOUS SETS. YOU CAN COME BACK.

TO: SETH MACFARLANE--YOU WERE FUNNY MOST OF THE TIME. NO ONE HITS 100%.

TO: RENEE ZELLWEGER--WHAT PLANET WERE YOU ON???? OR...WHAT WERE YOU ON?
HALF THE TIME WE COULDN'T EVEN SEE YOUR EYES...AND/OR THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYWAY. YOU ALSO LOOKED LIKE YOU HAD TROUBLE KEEPING YOUR BALANCE.

TO: KRISTEN STEWART--WHY DID YOU BOTHER TO EVEN SHOW UP? YOU LOOKED UNKEMPT, BORED, AND UNGRATEFUL TO HAVE A CAREER. WELL....WE'LL SOON SEE

TO: JENNIFER ANISTON--YOU WERE NEVER A MOVIE STAR; AND COMB YOUR HAIR.

TO: DANIEL DAY-LEWIS--THANK YOU FOR YOUR ELOQUENCE

TO: JENNIFER HUDSON--GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR TALENT

TO: CATHERINE ZETA-JONES---YOU SHOULD STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE. IT'S CATCHING UP TO YOU. YOU ARE ONE LUCKY GIRL TO HAVE WON THAT CHICAGO OSCAR. EVERY TRULY GIFTED SINGER-DANCER I KNOW CRINGES WHEN YOU DO IT

TO: BEN AFFLECK--SO GLAD YOU GOT YOUR OSCAR ANYWAY, AND YOU WERE SO GRACIOUS AND TASTEFUL. THE DIRECTORS BRANCH OF THE ACADEMY HATES ACTORS WHO DIRECT. HA HA

TO: JENNIFER LAWRENCE--I LOVED THAT YOU WON AND YOU HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY CAREER AHEAD OF YOU. YOU REALLY HAVE "IT." IGNORE ANY ATTEMPT OF THE PRESS TO SET UP A RIVALRY. AND I KNOW YOU GET THAT.

TO: JESSICA CHASTAIN--YOU WILL WIN MORE THAN ONE OSCAR IN YOUR CAREER.
THE "ZERO DARK THIRTY" BAD PUBLICITY DIDN'T HELP YOU, PLUS JENNIFER'S ROLE WAS MORE INTERESTING AND LAYERED. GET READY FOR A LONG AND RESPECTED CAREER. IGNORE ANY ATTEMPT OF THE PRESS TO SET UP A RIVALRY. AND I KNOW YOU GET THAT.

TO: CHARLIZE THERON--DANCE 10; LOOKS 10

TO: BARBRA STREISAND---I LOVE YOU 

TO: ADELE---YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT...AND SAY, "THANK YOU, DUSTY." 

TO: KRISTIN CHENOWETH--I KNOW YOU'RE A REALLY SWEET GIRL, BUT WHAT ON EARTH  WERE YOU DOING ON THE OSCAR SHOW (AND PRE-SHOW)?

TO: THE CLOSING NUMBER ABOUT BOOBS--GEE, WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO END AN EVENING. NOW GO FLUSH.