HOW TO GET RID OF TIME-WARNER AND SURVIVE

I HATE TIME WARNER. I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. THEY LIE ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE SATAN.

 I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM FOR THREE WEEKS. THEY ARE HEMORRHAGING CUSTOMERS AND FREAKING OUT. YOU DON'T JUST PULL THE PLUG ON THE CBS EMPIRE. YOU LOSE.

 AS BACKGROUND, IN CASE YOU ARE CATCHING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME....

IN ORDER TO GET RID OF TW, I HAD TO CALL AT&T AND GET THEM TO COME OUT AND TAKE OVER THE INTERNET AND PHONE. BUT AT&T COULDN'T CONNECT U-VERSE TV BECAUSE IT'S NOT AVAILABLE ON MY BLOCK (?!) I THEN CALLED DIRECT TV AND BOOKED AN APPOINTMENT WITH THEM FOR THE TRANSFER. THEY SAID TO ME, "DON'T CANCEL TW UNTIL WE HAVE FINISHED OUR SET UP." VERY WISE OF THEM. AT LEAST AT&T DID THE PHONE AND INTERNET.

THREE DAYS LATER THE DIRECT TV GUY ARRIVES, LOOKS AT THE SET-UP AND INFORMS ME THAT TW IS HOLDING MY CABLE HOSTAGE IN THEIR LOCKED BOX AND THAT HE CAN'T HOOK ME UP. IT SEEMS THAT TW DECIDED TO LOCK ALL THEIR BOXES TO MAKE TW VERY DIFFICULT FOR CUSTOMERS TO LEAVE.

I CALLED TW BACK (ALL THIS IS OVER DAYS AND DAYS). I BOOKED THEM TO COME PICK UP THEIR EQUIPMENT--BOXES AND MODEMS--ON A CERTAIN DAY. I THEN CALLED DIRECT TV BACK TO BOOK ONE THEIR GUYS RIGHT AFTER TW SO WE COULD SHIFT THE CABLE. AND REMEMBER, IN MY BUILDING, THERE IS A SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT WITH ANOTHER COMPANY TO INSTALL DIRECT TV. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT INFO SOON ENOUGH.

TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY. TW SHOWED UP ON TIME AND TOOK ALL THE EQUIPMENT. I SAID TO THE MAN, "NOW YOU GO DOWN TO THE GARAGE AND UNLOCK YOUR BOX AND RELEASE MY CABLE." HE SAID THAT WASN'T HIS DEPARTMENT, AND THAT ANOTHER MAN WOULD BE ALONG IN 45 MINUTES TO DO THAT. I REMINDED HIM THAT TW DOESNT OWN MY CABLE; THEY ONLY OWN THE BOX AND THEY MUST RELEASE IT. I ASKED HIM TO CALL THE NEXT MAN TO CONFIRM THIS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING. HE SAID HE WOULD, AS SOON AS HE GOT BACK IN HIS TRUCK.  WHEN HE SENDS THAT MESSAGE OVER THE TW PHONES IT WILL GO THROUGH THE WHOLE SYSTEM AND GUARANTEE MY ORDER. (SO HE CLAIMS) HE ALSO TIPS ME OFF THAT THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED A SOFT DISCONNECT AND A HARD DISCONNECT. TW CAN DO THE SOFT (MEANING FROM THEIR OFFICE) OR THE HARD (YOUR HOUSE OR A TELEPHONE POLE). I FELT THEN THAT I WAS IN TROUBLE.

WELL, OF COURSE HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.

DING DONG---IT'S DIRECT TV READY TO INSTALL. BUT MY CABLE IS STILL LOCKED IN THE BOX AFTER TWO WEEKS OF TRYING TO DISCONNECT!

THE FIRST THING WE DID WAS GO INTO THE GARAGE TO SEE IF TW DID INDEED PULL MY CABLE OUT AND PLACE IT ON TOP. OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T!!!! THEY HAD NO INTENTION OF EVER COOPERATING!!! I THREATENED TO SHOOT THE LOCK. HE DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

SO.....I KNEW MY CABLE WAS WHITE, AND THERE WERE ONLY TWO WHITE ONES COMING FROM THE TOP, MIXED IN WITH THE BLACKS. ONE OF THEM WAS MINE. "CAN YOU JUST CUT A CABLE AND PUT A NEW HEAD ON IT?' I ASKED. "SURE," HE ANSWERED, "BUT IT BETTER BE THE RIGHT ONE." 50-50 SHOT, RIGHT? SO I POINTED TO THE ONE CLOSEST TO THE DIRECT TV BOX.

I CARRIED A LARGE LADDER FOR HIM AND HE PULLED THE CABLE AS FAR OUT OF THE LOCKED BOX AS POSSIBLE THROUGH A HOLE IN THE TOP. THEN HE CUT. WE RAN UPSTAIRS TO SEE IF THERE WAS CHARGE ON WHAT WAS HOPEFULLY THE OTHER END. THERE WAS!!!!!

I WAS FINALLY HOOKED UP AND THEN WE HAD TO CALL DIRECT TV TO SEND THE REAL SIGNAL. WELL, THAT'S NOT SO EASY. SINCE THE GUY IN MY HOUSE WAS FROM CONSOLIDATED INSTALLATIONS, WHILE HE WAS APPROVED BY DIRECT TV, HE'S NOT EXACTLY WITH THEIR COMPANY. SO, THEY PROCEEDED TO PUT HIM ON HOLD.

AFTER 35 MINUTES PASSED (!) WE BOTH WERE UPSET. I CALLED THEM ON A CUSTOMER LINE, WHICH THEY HAVE TO ANSWER. I SAID, "I'M HAVING YOU INSTALLED TODAY BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN TW, AND NOW YOU'RE CAUSING ME TROUBLE, TOO."

P.S. I GOT THE SIGNAL RIGHT AWAY. EVERYTHING IS WORKING--PHONES, INTERNET AND TV.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY--TRUST NO ONE, AND LEARN TO SET UP A PUPPET SHOW  FOR YOURSELF (YOU CAN PLAY ALL THE PARTS) IN YOUR LIVING ROOM BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT YOU CAN GUARANTEE.