Sunday, February 24, 2013

THE OSCAR MEMO--REVISED

TO: NEIL MARON AND CRAIG ZADAN (PRODUCERS)--YOU ADDED LIFE, MUSIC, AND GORGEOUS SETS. YOU CAN COME BACK.

TO: SETH MACFARLANE--YOU WERE FUNNY MOST OF THE TIME. NO ONE HITS 100%.

TO: RENEE ZELLWEGER--WHAT PLANET WERE YOU ON???? OR...WHAT WERE YOU ON?
HALF THE TIME WE COULDN'T EVEN SEE YOUR EYES...AND/OR THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYWAY. YOU ALSO LOOKED LIKE YOU HAD TROUBLE KEEPING YOUR BALANCE.

TO: KRISTEN STEWART--WHY DID YOU BOTHER TO EVEN SHOW UP? YOU LOOKED UNKEMPT, BORED, AND UNGRATEFUL TO HAVE A CAREER. WELL....WE'LL SOON SEE

TO: JENNIFER ANISTON--YOU WERE NEVER A MOVIE STAR; AND COMB YOUR HAIR.

TO: DANIEL DAY-LEWIS--THANK YOU FOR YOUR ELOQUENCE

TO: JENNIFER HUDSON--GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR TALENT

TO: CATHERINE ZETA-JONES---YOU SHOULD STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE. IT'S CATCHING UP TO YOU. YOU ARE ONE LUCKY GIRL TO HAVE WON THAT CHICAGO OSCAR. EVERY TRULY GIFTED SINGER-DANCER I KNOW CRINGES WHEN YOU DO IT

TO: BEN AFFLECK--SO GLAD YOU GOT YOUR OSCAR ANYWAY, AND YOU WERE SO GRACIOUS AND TASTEFUL. THE DIRECTORS BRANCH OF THE ACADEMY HATES ACTORS WHO DIRECT. HA HA

TO: JENNIFER LAWRENCE--I LOVED THAT YOU WON AND YOU HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY CAREER AHEAD OF YOU. YOU REALLY HAVE "IT." IGNORE ANY ATTEMPT OF THE PRESS TO SET UP A RIVALRY. AND I KNOW YOU GET THAT.








TO: JESSICA CHASTAIN--YOU WILL WIN MORE THAN ONE OSCAR IN YOUR CAREER.
THE "ZERO DARK THIRTY" BAD PUBLICITY DIDN'T HELP YOU, PLUS JENNIFER'S ROLE WAS MORE INTERESTING AND LAYERED. GET READY FOR A LONG AND RESPECTED CAREER. IGNORE ANY ATTEMPT OF THE PRESS TO SET UP A RIVALRY. AND I KNOW YOU GET THAT.

TO: CHARLIZE THERON--DANCE 10; LOOKS 10

TO: BARBRA STREISAND---I LOVE YOU 

TO: ADELE---YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT...AND SAY, "THANK YOU, DUSTY." 

TO: KRISTIN CHENOWETH--I KNOW YOU'RE A REALLY SWEET GIRL, BUT WHAT ON EARTH  WERE YOU DOING ON THE OSCAR SHOW (AND PRE-SHOW)?

TO: THE CLOSING NUMBER ABOUT BOOBS--GEE, WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO END AN EVENING. NOW GO FLUSH.

2 comments:

susan silver said...

but what do you really think??? luv this..

susan silver said...

ps so agree on jennifer anniston and kris stewart
but not on show in general...too Seth ego time